"live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. practice wellness. play with abandon. laugh. choose with no regret. continue to learn. appreciate your friends. do what you love. live as if this is all there is." Mary Anne Radmacher

Thursday, February 2, 2012

It's been a struggle.

You may or may not know that I have been unemployed ... it's been 4 weeks today.  Perhaps that's why this morning was so rough.  I'm not the most self-aware person around.  I try to be.  But even my former manager (who is now a friend and a very special person in life), always recognized when there was a problem, even if I didn't realize it .... or what it was.

Anyway ... one of the things I've been struggling with is the lack of progress recently in my quest to get thinner, fitter and stronger.  I've felt pudgy, uninspired, a little frustrated.  And my health coach has decided to step back a bit .... get me out of my comfort zone ... and make me listen to my gut more.  He won't abandon me ... he just wants me to have more confidence in myself.  Apparently I've been asking questions the past little while that I already know the answers to.  I used to do that at work too.  I'm not sure why I don't have confidence in myself.  It's like I know the answers, but I second-guess myself ... a LOT!

I was thinking back to what I was like in my 20's.  Like so many 20-somethings, I thought I knew everything.  I was confident (or at least I could fake it really well), not afraid of too much.  The past few years ... OMG things have changed.  I don't even recognize myself sometimes.  I'm trying to figure out what happened.  All I know, is that I am determined to become the confident, unafraid, self-reliant woman I want to be. 

Everything came to a head this morning ... I emailed my coach a request for help ... I need to get things moving again ... or is it all in my head?  I'm still losing, although not as quickly as was.  But that's to be expected.  I got so antsy this morning I couldn't sit still.  I had to move.  I had to get out.  Winter has always been a bad time of year for me.  If it was summer, I'd be puttering in the garden ... he said it was good I was out of work in the winter ... I thought he was nuts but he's right.  I wouldn't be in as much of a hurry to get back to work in the summer.  We're looking at adjusting a few things to see what we can do to kick start me.

Anyway ... the "old me" would have been "I gotta eat something" (you know that something would have been REALLY bad for me).  The "new me" thought "I gotta get out for walk".  The fact that I automatically went for movement rather than food ... is probably the biggest victory for me in this whole process.  I've dropped almost 30 pounds of scale weight (probably closer to 40 when you factor added muscle into the equation) and 27 inches of body size in 4 1/2 months. THAT was huge.  But that change in attitude ... priceless.

So off I went for my brisk walk (these pics are what I experienced on my walk but I missed the hawk and the chickadee) ... 90 minutes later, I felt amazing.  There's something about the water that totally calms me down.  Physically, mentally, emotionally, I felt relaxed.  I can't stress how beneficial walking is.  He wants me walking every day.  He wants me to get out of the house every day.  Shake up my routine.

I met with my outplacement counsellor yesterday (she and coach have such similar messages for me).  She's awesome.  She really wants me to focus on my schoolwork for the next 2 years.  As I was meeting with her, I realized that I will be almost 50 by the time I finish school.  So my mantra is "When I am 50, I will be a nutritionist".  In the meantime, I have to get back to work in the same field I've been in for over 20 years.  But I'm OK with that.  I enjoy the work ... I'm pretty good at it.  I can live with it for another 2 1/2 to 3 years.  This gives me the opportunity to have a positive influence on a whole new group of people who know nothing about the "old me".

I'm looking at ways to make a difference ... to contribute to society ... and fundraising seems to have become my "go to" thing.  I'm canvassing for the Heart and Stroke foundation.  I'm planning on doing a fundraising walk on February 25th (Barry's birthday but I don't think he's gonna be home anyway).  There's a 5 or 10 km walk in Oshawa to help raise funds for The Refuge ... an organization that helps street youth ... food, showers, laundry, counselling.  I really want to help out.  And then there's the CN Tower climb in April to support the World Wildlife Foundation.  I figure, I'll get myself active and help others at the same time.  I'm hoping to help out at Girls Inc.  I think it's really important to provide young girls with a positive role model.  I had thought about volunteering and helping out for years ... just never did anything about it.  Andrew (my coach) has pushed me past my comfort level ... challenging me to start giving back.  And I'm happy to do it.  All these things make me feel better about myself ... and it helps others so how can I go wrong....

This is my long, drawn out way of saying ... we all struggle.  We all have good days and bad days.  Days we want to hide under the covers and days we want to shout at the top of our lungs "today is a great day and I'm glad I'm alive!".  The trick is to never give up.  I am blessed with an amazing support network.  Hubby, first and foremost.  Andrew's been amazing ... he puts up with a lot from me.  And of course I have amazing friends who are so supportive and who believe in me.

I wish for you health, happiness, and a full life.  Until next time.



  1. Oh my God, I can so identify with this. It is natural after a job loss to be depressed, and then think "Ah screw it, there is something better around the corner. The truth is, it does shatter our self confidence and it takes a while to get over. Stay strong and active sweetie. Both of us are going through exactly the same thing right now. I love you and I'm always in your corner.

  2. My dear friend, I thoroughly enjoyed reading this post. You have grown so much - in so many ways. Way to go!!!!! .... Your positive attitude is breath taking! .. I too need to start getting out and walking the property again ... thanks for taking me along your walk with your photos!! Can't wait to catch up ... xo HHL