"live with intention. walk to the edge. listen hard. practice wellness. play with abandon. laugh. choose with no regret. continue to learn. appreciate your friends. do what you love. live as if this is all there is." Mary Anne Radmacher

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Peeling Back the Layers

I always thought I was an open book ... easy to read ... I recently had a conversation with a certain someone who disagreed with me.

He felt (through experience apparently) that I put on a good front .. the person I allow people to see is fairly superficial.  Pleasant, fun, a little wacky perhaps .... but I tend to conversations fairly superficial.   Writing this, I remember a similar conversation with a new friend of ours.  I do tend to let bloggers see a different side ... I'm more open with my blogger friends.  It's a lot safer than "in person" relationships.  During my walk with one of my girlfriends last night, I mentioned this and she tended to agree. Guess I'm not quite as self aware as I once thought.
But its scary to let people in; to be vulnerable.
So ... Like an onion ... I'm starting to peel the layers away ... To allow more of my authentic self to show through.
I'm not worrying so much about what people might think of what I do or say. I try to always be respectful; never intentionally hurtful.
I think its human nature to put up walls ... not to be deceptive or to hide anything ... simply as a means of protection .... how sad is it that we feel that we have to hide our true selves.  Of course not everybody does that.  I know those who don't and I really admire them.

So tomorrow I have a mission.  I am going to make myself vulnerable to someone at work in order to deal with a situation.  I HATE confrontation.  I'm kind of a "live and let live" kinda girl.  But it's been weighing very heavily on me the past couple of weeks and I certainly don't want to bring the boss into this.  So ... time to gut it up buttercup.

Stephen Covey talks about changing paradigms.  Confronting issues head on but not in a confrontational way ... in a way that works together to fix things.  I like that.  Let's just hope that my coworker buys into this ...

So here's my first big revelation ... it would appear that I have ADD.  It explains a LOT about me ... about my frustrations with school.  My distractedness.  Why I can't sit still for very long.  Why I seem to be a little self centred sometimes ... like I'm not paying attention.  But I do.  So many things .... Why my boss and I just couldn't communicate for the longest time.  I told her about it.  She was great.  Things at work have improved immensely. Life in general has improved immensely.

I'm learning to be true to my authentic self.  I'm a caring, loving person who only wants the best for people.  I'm sensitive (a HUGE sap ... but that's kinda one of my most endearing qualities), fun, wacky, serious, concerned as hell about the state of health of our country...but I will deal with one person at a time on THAT issue.

The past 3 months have taught me so much.  I will try to share some of that with you.  And maybe one day you will feel comfortable enough with me to share some of who you are ... some of your struggles ... and your victories ... it's our experiences that shape who we are.  My mom never understood that.  I don't believe in regrets... they're a waste of emotion.  I always said that if I hadn't gone through what I went through, I wouldn't be the person that I am.  And that would be kinda sad.

Until next time ....

Yours in  health,


1 comment:

  1. It's so true, take away any moments in your life good or bad and you wouldn't be quite the same person you are today.

    I love this new-found confidence. Not that it came from nowhere, it was always inside you just a little dormant or uncertain at times. That's okay, our life is made of cycles and is very fluid. Consequently who we are is fluid as well; we don't remain the same person our entire lives. But if we're self-aware we endeavour to move forward and improve on ourselves and what we choose to show to others.

    I'm extremely proud of you for making those efforts honey and I love you for it.